Chapter Twenty: Let it go Pt. 1

Bridgeport Graveyard, 6:18 P.M.

Jeremy's point of view

 

I know I shouldn't be here. I know I should just go home. 

Home..

Where is home anymore? It seems we've been bouncing from place to place now. The word seemed so distorted now that home seemed to be wherever I laid my head.

Nevertheless I found myself here. At the Bridgeport Cemetery, the place that my grandma would be resting for all eternity. I hadn't been here since she was lowered into the ground. I just couldn't bring myself to come back. It made it all the more real. And right now, I had my fill of reality to last a lifetime. 

Well I was here now. I couldn't turn back even if I wanted to. I owed her this visit and despite my reasons for coming, I was here and that's what mattered. 

As I neared the gate, I couldn't help but stare at the figure out front. The statue seemed to command your attention. As if you had to look at her before passing through, as if you needed her permission. It was nothing special however, just a woman from the waist up. She was arm-less but she didn't look weak. Somehow she looked strong. I quit trying to figure out the hidden meaning and why she was placed there and walked through the iron gates.

I didn't know what to expect when I walked towards the burial site. I do know that I didn't expect to be overwhelmed with such grief. I couldn't explain it, but seeing those two headstones with my grandparents names written across just took everything I had in me. I could do nothing but drop to my knees in despair. 

"Grandma...grandpa" I said in a chocked up whisper. I had never got to meet my grandfather, but I felt bad about not visiting him either. I felt so ashamed. My grandmother had raised Malcolm and I when no one else would, when the people who should have abandoned their responsibility, abandoned us. 

What could I say but sorry at this time? What could I say that would make up for me not coming to see her, to see them? 

I had to be the world's worst grandson, but of course she would never tell me that if she was here. She never allowed me to feel guilty. I don't know why. Maybe because she wanted to protect me, maybe she felt that she had to show double the love because my Mother wasn't there and I had never met my Father.

"Grandma I'm sorry." I said at last. I let the words soak into the air, hoping they'd drift up to Heaven where I knew she had to be. She was an Angel so of course she would be there. 

"I can't tell you why I haven't been back to see you, no reason I could give would make it better. I am just sorry so please forgive me? I couldn't bare it if you hated me." I continued to speak to her.

Although she wasn't physically here I still felt better just by speaking to her. I could almost feel the weight lifting off my shoulders, brick by brick it seemed. 

"I shouldn't be here. No..I should. I should be here, but not now. I shouldn't use you as an excuse to run away. Again..I'm sorry." I said. I was such a fuck up. I was a coward, a disappointment. 

Why couldn't I visit my grandmother like a normal person, why was I here only when I was needing to runaway? She didn't deserve that. She deserved to be shown the same love and care she had shown Malcolm and I all those years. All those years she spent working, taking care of us, sacrificing her life for us. 

"Do you hate me?" I asked. 

She didn't have to be here for me to get an answer. She could never hate me. She would never let me hate myself either. After that moment of realization, I began to stand. It was as if she was talking to me. No, not talking, but chastising me. 

I could see her now, shaking her head but smiling. She would have her hand on her hip telling me to get up before I ruin my jeans to the point of no return. 

I stood and I felt better. I could feel her presence somehow and it relaxed me.

"I never thanked you for all you did. I never knew how much you did for us until I had to step in your shoes." I continued. "You have pretty big shoes to fill Ma'am. I worry that I could never fill them the way you did." 

The wind blew for a moment, but it wasn't cold nor was it hot. It was warm, but it was nice. It was comforting. 

"I have to go home don't I?" I asked and nodded, answering my own question. "I know, I know.."

"Okay. I'm going before you come down here and push me." I said and laughed. I imagined I must look crazy to anyone visiting. Who comes to a grave site and laughs? Well I did apparently. And I didn't care how it might have looked to someone. The outside didn't matter, it was just me and grandma.

I turned to leave, but looked back for a second. 

"Goodbye grandma, granddad..I promise I will be back soon. Love you." I said and continued exiting. 

I felt a million times better once I left the cemetery. The only issue now was what was waiting for me back home. However, it was okay. It was all going to be okay. 

***Okay I know I was complaining about not being able to finish this chapter so why am I breaking it up? Lol don't get too mad at me. Once I started writing and opted for Jeremy's point of view first, I decided that he needed his own chapter. It was suppose to be more or less his story anyways (Oops). Anyways the second part will take place after Veronica came home to the half-way house. You will also find out more about her roommate, Shane.