Chapter Fifteen: Lost without you

"Veronica, are you okay?" The Nurse asked. Veronica's eyes shifted from her to the person standing beside her. Yes, she nodded her head. The nurse glanced over to Nina and looked at her suspiciously for a moment while she contemplated telling her to leave. 

"We haven't seen each other in forever, she must be surprised." Nina explained. She smiled sweetly and as genuinely as she could. The Nurse knew she'd already been patted down and her purse check so she assumed it was safe. 

"Okay." She said. She motioned for Nina to enter Veronica's room and shut the door behind her. Veronica on the other hand, watched it all take place as if she wasn't there. Her eyes followed along as Nina stepped over the door's threshold and the door click shut. She blinked back to reality. 

"What are you doing here?" Veronica finally said. To say her visit was a surprise and total shock, would be an understatement. She assumed she was there to gloat and mock her, yeah that had to have been the reason. She could feel her nose flaring slightly and her anger rising. Nina watched her feeling confused. 

"I didn't come here to fight." She assured her. Veronica scoffed, she may have been a fool but she wasn't that stupid.

"Right." Veronica said sarcastically, "Did you come here to hold my hand and sing Kum Ba Yah?" She asked. Nina shook her head at the woman in front of her. She may be clean, but the hatred was still there. 

"Real funny, but no. I actually came here to see you." Nina said. Veronica looked taken back. They had never really been on friendly terms, and she was the reason for that. She never felt as if she was good enough to date her brother. Mostly because she had her own heart broken and didn't want to see her little brother go through that. She was still holding her breath, waiting for her to leave him and just crush him completely.
"Why?" Veronica asked suspiciously. "What's your angle?"
"I don't have one!" Nina said her voice slightly rising. Why must she be so difficult? She thought to herself. She was five seconds away from saying to hell with her and walking out. But she wouldn't give up just yet.
"Can we sit down?" Nina asked. She glanced around the small room and noticed there were no seats. Veronica shrugged and lead her to the bed.

Veronica nodded towards the end of the bed, silently instructing her to have a seat. Veronica took a moment to observe the other woman. Her sister-in-law. She wasn't a bad person, she was actually one of the sweetest people she had met. So why the hate? Well it all stemmed from jealously and her own insecurities. Her brother didn't seem to need her anymore, instead he had found companionship in Nina. They begun dating when they were in 16 and 15, around the time Veronica's life had falling apart. And her own mother loved her. At times, Veronica felt as if she loved her more and secretly wanted her to be her daughter. Tears began to form in Veronica's eyes and then made the journey down her cheek.
"You didn't deserve any of that." Veronica said in a whisper as she began to cry. Nina took her eyes off the wallpaper and looked to her right.
"Are you crying?" She asked and scrunched her brows up. Why was she crying? She wondered.
"I have been nothing but a bitch to you, and you are here. Of all people, you came to see me." Veronica expressed her thoughts. "I'm sorry." She finished. Nina thought she was hearing things. Did she just say that she's sorry?
"Veronica.." Nina began. "I don't know what to say." Nina confessed. She truly was at a lost for words. Veronica shook her head.
"Just try to forgive me, please." Veronica said. Nina nodded. Silence feel upon the duo. Nina was still in shock and Veronica was trying to steady her emotions.

"How are the boys?" Veronica asked at last.
"They are good." Nina answered with a smile. "Mostly.."
"Mostly?" Veronica repeated. Nina sighed.
"It's Jeremy. He isn't handling the news so well." Nina explained briefly.Veronica shook her head. Even when she was absent she was ruining his life.
"I am such a failure." Veronica said, her voice cracking with emotion all over again.
"You're not." Nina said.
"You don't need to lie to me." Veronica said. The waterworks began again.
"You have just.."Nina started. She wasn't even sure where she was going, "don't think like that." She finished.
"He will be okay." Nina tried to reassure her. The Nurse knocked on Veronica's door, signaling the end of their visit.

The two rose to their feet and walked over to the door.
"Thank you for visiting me." Veronica said sincerely.
"That's what family is for." Nina said, returning her smile.

"We're rooting for you." Nina told her as she pulled her into a hug.
"Take care of my boys." Veronica replied as she allowed her to embrace her. For a moment, she felt hopeful. They bid each other goodbye and Veronica watched as Nina left before closing her door.

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As Nina drove home, she reflected over her short visit with Veronica. She had shocked herself by going to visit. It was a last minute decision. She was happy that she had done it though, maybe they can learn to like one another. She was also proud of Veronica for getting help even if she hadn't willingly done it. She would be clean for her boys and that was the important thing.

The remainder of her commute was spent in silence. She had turned off the radio and just listened to the other cars around her. The taxis, people talking loudly on their cellphones, women's heels clicking, brakes screeching as they avoid colliding with another car or person. She listened to Bridgeport and it's soundtrack. She smiled, this was home after all.

Nina's top priority when she exited her car was to check on the Malcolm. She knew Jeremy wasn't home yet. She said hello to her husband as he worked in their home office. He briefly waved back, but didn't give her a second look. Nina walked into the open doorway of the nursery. She spotted Malcolm playing.

"Hey Champ." She greeted as she lifted him up. He hugged her back as much as his little arms would allow.
"You're such a sweetie." She noted and kissed his nose lightly.

Malcolm giggled. He was such a happy baby even with everything going on. His youth allowed his to escape all the pain that everyone else was feeling around him. It dawned on Nina, this wasn't real. The boys were not hers. She felt slightly empty again. Veronica was really getting clean, meaning they would leave soon. And she would be all alone again. She glanced back at the crib. It was empty currently. She had the depressing thought that it would always be. She would never truly be a mother. She held Malcolm close to her, as if holding onto life itself.

"Luv woo" Malcolm said sweetly. Nina chocked up.
"I love you too honey." She said. Don't leave me too She thought to herself. She didn't think she would be able to take it once her home was empty again.

________________________________________

Jeremy hadn't been himself for a whole month now. In that time, he pretty much alienated everyone. His family, his friends at school, Lauren and even Malcolm. He regretted it, but he couldn't help it. He had tried everything in his power to hold his family together and yet it still managed to fall apart. He felt like he failed. And because of this he found himself in a bit of a depression. His grades took a hit pretty bad. He didn't care though. He just didn't care about anything anymore. Why should he? His life was hell and it would always be. He might as well accept it he had told himself over and over.

He felt like a bottle that was shaken up, he was doomed to explode the minute it was open. He had to talk to someone and get everything out. But who? His aunt and uncle? No he shook his head. Malcolm was too young to understand. He sure as hell wasn't talking to the counselor at school. So who? Lauren. The name flashed through his mind. They had gotten pretty close even though he pushed her away at times. He felt as if he knew her well enough to confide in her. And if all else failed, who would she tell? She was still considered the new girl and hadn't made any friends. It was a mean thought, but at least his secret was safe with her. He dialed her number and hoped she'd answer.

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Thankfully, Lauren hadn't shut him out like he felt he deserved. She agreed to meet him at the school. He went upstairs to change, ignoring his family in the process. They didn't try to push him to talk and just watched him leave.

Lauren spotted Jeremy on the football field. It was empty since the team was away at a game. She waved in his direction, but he ignored her. His eyes were down looking at his hands. She dropped her hand sadly. She felt close to him, yet she didn't. He was the only person in the entire school who had made her feel welcomed with the exception of the school staff. They had grew close after their project together. Sometimes he walked her home. They would do their homework together or just talk on the phone. Bur lately she had felt shut out. Like there was an invisible door in between them and she couldn't open it no matter how hard she tried. She was pleasantly surprised when he asked her to meet him. But the realist in her told her to not get her hopes up, he might just close up again.

"Jeremy?" She called out as she got closer. He was still staring ahead, but had looked her way. He smiled at her halfheartedly. The smile didn't reach his eyes and her heart fell. What was going on with him?! She wanted to scream.

"Are you okay?" She asked timidly. She wanted to know, but didn't at the same time. What if she didn't like what she would hear? What if he told her they shouldn't be friends anymore? She was being a little dramatic but she couldn't help it. She had really never had a friend before that wasn't related to her. This friendship thing was new to her. Maybe she was failing at it. Jeremy shrugged his shoulders.
"Not really." He answered somewhat truthfully.
"What's wrong?" She inquired. She silently hoped the issue wasn't her.

Here goes nothing He thought. He sighed. 

"A lot." He said and laughed. It was a sad laugh. Lauren listened. 

"Go on." She urged him. He let out a slow breath. Would she reject him, would she judge him because of his mother's actions? He wondered. He shook the thoughts away. He was determined to talk to someone. 

"It's okay Jeremy." Lauren said and patted him on the shoulder. He looked as if he needed the encouragement for whatever it was that was bothering him. "I'm listening." He nodded. He gave her a brief overview of his life. He told her that it wasn't a time in his life where he could truly remember his mother being sober and how he had became his grandmother's burden at a young age. Although he knew he wasn't a burden to her, he couldn't help but feel that way. She should have been living her own life. Maybe remarrying, traveling the world or something. But instead she was raising a kid she didn't have. Taking care of responsibilities she wasn't responsible for. 

He told her that she was his rock, the one person in the world he could count on. He went on to tell her that his mother got pregnant again with Malcolm, his younger brother. His father was still unknown but since he was born his grandmother had taken him in too. She was strong. She didn't let them known she was silently hurting inside. He then told her how he had lost her, his rock, the center of his world. His life had turned upside down the summer before school. His life was completely shattered. His Aunt and Uncle had returned to Bridgeport. But they were still in the dark somewhat, they didn't fully know that his mother was using again. And they were dealing with their own issues so Jeremy never told them. He didn't want to become their burden too. So Malcolm and him moved back home with their drug addicted, alcoholic mother. He shouldered as much responsibility as he could, getting a job and making sure someone looked after Malcolm during the time he couldn't be home. But it wasn't enough, she was in jail and now rehab. His life..was turned upside down all over again and he didn't know how to deal. 

Lauren listened quietly. She didn't interrupt him not once. She just listened. She had no idea he was carrying so much baggage inside. It was a wonder he managed to hold it together this long. He was suffering and it wasn't fair. He was being punished for his mothers sins. She had chose to be selfish, but he paid for it. Him and his brother. It wasn't fair. Lauren found herself hating her even though she had never met the woman. 

"Jeremy, I-- Lauren began. She wasn't quite sure what she was going to say, but she didn't get to finish. Jeremy had fallen and dropped to his knees. He covered his face and grabbed his hair. He truly looked like he was breaking. Lauren gasped. She wasn't sure what to do. How could she comfort him? She felt so lost and unhelpful. 

"My life is shit!" He yelled out. Lauren stood, still unsure what to do. 

"Jeremy.." She started again. 

"Hey." She said softly as she kneeled in front of him. She prayed for the right words to come out of her mouth. 

"You don't have to feel this way." She said. Jeremy remained unmoved. He was in a state of despair. 

"This isn't your problem. Your mother lived her life and you have to live yours." She said. He began shaking his head, as if he didn't believe her. She sighed. Why couldn't life be like the movies? Why didn't words work the same way? She inched closer to him. 

"You're not alone, you have your brother and your aunt and uncle." She said. Is this helping? She asked him silently. 

"I am alone." He said. His voice was broken just like his soul seemed to be. Lauren wished she had a magic wand and could wish his problems away. 

"I'm here too. You're not alone." Lauren said, still refusing to give up on him. 

Lauren let silence fall over them. Maybe it would help her words sink in. Lauren watched Jeremy. His hands had fell, but his head still hung low. He looked like he had officially given up on life itself. The look on his face was enough to break her heart. Why can't life be a movie? She thought again. 

Lauren racked her brain for another idea. What would someone in the movies do right now? The girl would kiss the guy, as if kissing his problems away. Lauren thought. She wasn't too happy about that idea, but what if it worked? It couldn't hurt, could it? She nervously looked at his lips. She slowly reached out and lifted his chin up. He looked at her, confusion in his eyes. This had better work She thought. 

She brought her face closer to his and gently kissed his lips. It had been her first kiss and she hoped she didn't screw it up. Her eyes were still closed and she was about to pull away, when Jeremy surprised her. He had kissed her back, but it wasn't just a peck. He had opened his mouth and she followed suit. It was like a real, legit kiss. Lauren was taken back. 

Jeremy had stood and helped Lauren to her feet.
"Thank you." He spoke at last. Lauren opened her eyes and stole a peak at his face. He didn't look like the Jeremy she knew, he wasn't happy 100%, but he looked better.
"You're welcome." She said softly. She was still reeling over the kiss. Had she gone too far? She didn't know herself. They stood there, Jeremy's hands wrapped around hers. They didn't speak.
"I should go before my dad gets home." Lauren said. He was getting off early and she had took a risk leaving when she did. Jeremy nodded.
"Sorry." She said. She didn't want to leave him.
"It's okay. We'll talk later" He said. She smiled.
"Yeah." She replied. He gave her a small kiss on the forehead and watched as she went to hail a cab. She wasn't completely sure where Jeremy's head was when she left, but she knew it was a bit clearer. She smiled as she road home.

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Jeremy was by no means back to himself, but he felt a sense of hope. He didn't feel so defeated anymore. He had made his way back to his Aunt and Uncle's apartment. On the ride up he thought about Lauren. She kissed him, and he had kissed her back. What did that mean? Were they "together"? Were they still just friends? He wasn't sure. They would have to talk about that, but right now he had to talk to someone else.

Jeremy unlocked the door and found his aunt reading. He glanced over and saw his little brother playing happily with his toys in the nursery.
"Aunt Nina?" He called out. She closed her book and looked back.

"Jeremy." Nina said happily. She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was feeling better. She hoped he was returning to himself.

"Welcome home." She greeted. He smiled.

"Thank you." He replied. 

"I'm sorry for acting like a zombie." He apologized. Nina shook her head, dismissing his apology.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." She said.

"I do. You guys took us in and treated us like your own when you didn't have to. I should be grateful, and I am. But I repaid you by shutting you all out. I'm sorry." He said. 

"Jeremy you don't ever have to apologize. We know you were taking this hard." Nina reassured him. 

"Well thank you for putting up with me." He joked. Nina laughed and pulled him into a hug.

"We love you Jeremy and Malcolm, don't ever forget that." She said. 

"I won't." He said and hugged her back.

"I think someone wants to see you." She said and nodded towards Malcolm.

"I think so too." He said and made his way to the nursery. 

"Hey kid" Jeremy greeted his little brother. Malcolm paused, with his stick in hand and smiled. He giggled happily.

"Up up!" He demanded. Jeremy shook his head. He could be so demanding sometimes.

"Alright" Jeremy said and threw his hands up playfully.

"Come here little guy." He said and picked him up. He tickled Malcolm and he laughed in delight. Jeremy was regaining his hope little by little. He knew everything would be alright. He thought about his grandmother. He smiled and looked up and silently said thanks. 

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Back at Rehab, Veronica wasn't feeling hopeful. She should be. But she wasn't. Hearing that Jeremy was having a hard time dealing with the current situation took a toll on her. It was all her fault. If she wasn't selfish, she would  have never left home. She would have stayed home and been the mother they deserved. Usually when thoughts like this settled in, she'd wash them away with drugs or alcohol. A pill for this, a joint for that, a swig of vodka for the rest. But no, she was in rehab. She was clean she couldn't have any of that. She would have to be a prisoner of her guilt. She laid down fearing she wouldn't make it on the outside. That the real world wasn't for her.