It was time for another therapy session. Time for Veronica to relive her past yet again and take a trip down memory lane. Veronica stretched as she got ready to leave. She didn't want to talk anymore. She didn't want to be here. But she had to be, because another person said so. She was tired of other people controlling her and deciding what she could or could not do.
Knock, Knock
"Yes?" Veronica called back. She didn't have to. She knew it was her Nurse, or whom she referred to as her prison guard. Although there were no handcuffs wrapped around her wrist or bars up around her, she still felt like she was in jail.
"It's time." The nurse replied. She always had such a monotone voice, as if she was robot who was programmed to do her assigned task and no more.
"Coming." Veronica answered. She tried to force some enthusiasm in her voice. The last thing she wanted them to pick up on was that she was craving to use again. She had even scratched her arms, which is why she opted for a long sleeve shirt today. If they inquired about it she was prepared to say she was cold.
"Morning Veronica." Anna greeted. Veronica hated how happy she sounded. Why was she so happy? How could she be so happy when all she heard were depressing stories all day long? Veronica plastered a fake smile on her face.
"Whenever you are ready, go ahead." Anna urged. Veronica sighed. Where would she go today? Which part of her past would she revisit? She thought to herself.
"When you're ready." Anne repeated. She was patient, but Veronica hadn't spoken in five minutes. She was only fidgeting with her leggings and paying special attention to her nails.
"Are you okay?" Anne asked, suddenly observing the woman across from her.
"Give me a second!" Veronica snapped. Anne nodded her head in agreement, but not before making some notes on her pad. Great Veronica thought.
"These sessions are confidential right? You can't tell on me." Veronica asked. She didn't need this woman undoing all her hard work by reporting her to the judge or something. She would never get out of here then.
"Wrong. You aren't a typical client, there is no confidentiality agreement here. If I see questionable behavior I must report you." Anne answered. Veronica suppressed the urge to roll her eyes.
"I didn't do anything wrong." Veronica stated, holding on to her innocence.
"I never said you did. Now, please go on." Anne stated. Veronica knew she was going to say something to that judge and it wouldn't be good for her, but she let it go.
"I was a few months along by this time. I had been cooped up in the house as usual, but today I wanted out. I needed to breathe and see other people that weren't in magazines or behind the television screen." Veronica began.
(I fixed her eyes, if anyone noticed they didn't match lol)
I had made my way down to the park, it wasn't anything fancy but it was nice. I was standing in front of the water fountain. I was mesmerized by the water, as it shot up and then cascaded back down over and over again. It was truly beautiful. I don't know how long I stood there, but eventually I made my way to the swing. I was a little nervous about getting on it. I was pregnant and heavier than usual, what if I broke it? I didn't want to fall, but I sat anyways and swung my feet slowly.
I was having fun. Not because I was swinging like I was five years old again, but because I was outside like a normal person. I didn't feel lonely or like I was suffocating at that moment. I had closed my eyes and enjoyed a breeze that was passing through the park when my peaceful moment was ruined by footsteps close by. They sounded small, like those of a child.
"Mine!" I heard a little voice call out. It was a child, who's voice was pretty clear by that time. She had to have been right behind me.
"Hmm?" I said and turned around to face them.
"Mine" She repeated and pointed to the swing.
"Oh." I said. She was more fitting to swing than I was, but still it felt odd to be commanded by a child. The thought had made me laugh. I had pretty much been bossed around by someone in diapers.
"Natalie, slow down!" I heard another voice behind her, only this one sounded further away. Footsteps were approaching me. I spun to my left to see a woman waddling her way over. She looked to be bigger than me; she was pregnant just like I was. I wondered exactly how far along she was.
"I am so sorry!" The woman said as she bent down to pick up the toddler. "She is in the mine stage, she doesn't even understand that she's too little to be on the swing." The woman explained.
"Oh it's fine." I said. I turned straight ahead. I had began to swing a little because I was not sure what else to do.
"I'm Daisy and this little monster is Natalie." Daisy greeted. She looked kind enough I remember thinking.
"I'm Veronica." I had replied.
"Nice to meet you." Daisy said. I nodded my head in response.
"Are you new here?" Daisy asked. "We frequent this park quite a bit and I don't remember seeing you before." She added before gently bouncing her daughter.
"Kinda, I don't get out much." I answered.
"Oh. Home body huh?" Daisy said jokingly. "I understand, besides the park we don't get out much either."
"Yeah." I said, not sure what else to say. I didn't have any friends or talked to anyone outside of my family and Lance, so socialization wasn't my strongest quality.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable swinging so I stood to my feet.
"How far along are you?" Daisy asked. I could tell she was a chatter box already.
"About seven months." I answered.
"I'm eight myself, but I had this one early, so I'm prepared for anything." She replied. I nodded and smiled.
"Was it..painful?" I asked, suddenly curious about the labor process.
"Painful? It was the worst moment of my life, but she was worth it." Daisy said. That wasn't what I expected or wanted to hear.
"Don't worry, you'll feel the same way afterwards besides I didn't have an epidural." Daisy said trying to reassure me.
"You know sometimes I wish guys could have a vagina and see how it feels to push something out of it." Daisy said randomly. I was a little taken back by her bluntness.
"Yeah I guess so." I said half-way agreeing with her. Daisy laughed and her baby just stared at me, as if she was just as clueless as I was on the topic.
"Are you married?" Daisy asked. Is this 20 questions? I started to think.
"No..I don't need a certificate." I answered suddenly feeling defensive.
"I thought the same thing, it's just paper right? But my husband insisted." Daisy said.
"Right." I said in response.
"He's a sweet guy..." Daisy said and trailed off. "But he's never home. It gets lonely sometimes." She said reflectively. I could relate, probably more than she knew.
"I know exactly how you feel." I said before I even realized it. We continued to make small talk and get to know one another better.
We had become friends sorta. We discussed our pregnancies and how we felt. I was surprised to find out her husband was a truck driver too, but I would be even more surprised later.
Weeks had went by and Lance still hadn't returned, but it was okay. I had a friend, Daisy, and I didn't feel so lonely anymore. I learned that her and her husband were high school sweethearts. I thought it was romantic at the time. Everything had went well. We hung out more and more, but that would all change soon. I invited her to my home and as soon as I opened the door she seemed different. I could sense the change in her right away. She kept looking around and wasn't keeping up our conversations, which was so unlike her. She didn't stay long, saying she had to pick Natalie up and left rather quickly. I was stunned but never asked her what was wrong, I would soon find out.
I remembered checking the mail one day when I found a box propped against it. I wasn't expecting anything, but picked it up nonetheless. It was addressed to me.
It was a wedding photo album. I had placed the book on the table and just stared at it, wondering who was it from and what it meant. I certainly wasn't getting married and no one knew where I stayed, except Daisy. But why would she send me this? I opened the album and I flipped through the contents. My hand shook as I did. This was from Daisy after all, but I would have never expected this person to be her husband. The happy groom beside her was Lance. My Lance, the love of my life.
I couldn't look anymore. I covered my eyes as the tears started to stream out. This was a joke. It HAD to be a joke, I remember thinking. How could all this time been a lie? How could he have lived a double life and I never suspected anything? How could I have been so stupid, so naive?!
Time passed by, I spent the remainder of my pregnancy alone. Lance never called or returned to our home, if I could still call it that. I imagined he was home with her, with them, his real family.
I, on the other hand, was all alone. So very alone. I spent my pregnancy being a prisoner in that place. Fearing to leave, fearing to call my mother and tell her everything. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I was too afraid, too ashamed.
My water broke and I called 9-1-1. I rode in the ambulance alone. And the only one holding my hand was an EMT, who was only doing their job. I was in the hospital room alone, all alone. The only people around me were nurses and my doctor. No one else. I didn't have a supportive boyfriend to hold my hand and kiss my forehead. I didn't have my brother and mother there, happily waiting the arrival of my son. No, I was alone, all alone. I opted out of having an epidural because I wanted to feel the pain. At least I would feel something that wasn't loneliness. The delivery itself was a blur, before I knew it Jeremy was in this world and in my arms.
It felt so surreal, the person I had been talking to all this time was here. I wasn't alone anymore. But as I looked into his little eyes, all I could see was Lance. The hurt and the pain came flooding back into my mind. I told the nurse to take him. She looked at me strange, but placed Jeremy in the crib near my bed.
I looked at the phone on the stand nearby me. I had two people in my mind to call, Lance and my mother. I didn't want to talk to either, but I had to. I dialed Lance's pager number, signalling for him to call me. Afterwards I called my mother. She answered on the third ring, she always did.
"Hello?" My mother answered.
"Mom.." I said.
"Honey, I've been so worried. Why haven't you called?" My mother asked, her voice filled with happiness and sadness at the same time. I didn't want to tell her. How could I tell her she was a grandma? I thought.
"Mom." I repeated.
"Yes honey? what is it?" She asked.
"I.." I began
"Yes?" She urged. I imagined her gripping the phone tightly, waiting for me to spill my guts already.
"I had a baby." I blurted out. Silence. I was greeted with silence. I should have expected that.
"A baby.." She repeated the words as if she was trying to process them as it escaped her mouth. It was my turn to be silent.
"Where are you?" She suddenly asked. I had handed the Nurse the phone. She gave my mother instructions to the hospital and hung up.
"She will be here shortly." She told me. I shrugged and turned away from her.
Anne looked unsure of what to say or how to react.
"Is there anything else on your mind?" She asked after she blinked, as if she suddenly remembered she was a therapist and couldn't space out. I shrugged.
"I suppose." I replied. Anne nodded her head, telling me to go on.
"My addiction started not too soon after Jeremy was born. We went home with my Mother and Daniel, she was not allowing me to return to Lance at any cost. I was grateful for that, I wasn't strong enough to leave on my own. Lance tried to see me and Jeremy, but my mother wouldn't let him. She even got a restraining order against him. So he never got to see Jeremy, other than a picture I had sent which she never knew about. My reality was too much for me to handle so I started drinking. My mother didn't know at first, but when I started staying out late and not coming home she couldn't ignore it anymore. She noticed I reeked of alcohol and always appeared to be high. One day I just didn't come home. I began staying with whoever welcomed me in their home. Any place that could supply my habit. I took any and everything that eased my mind." I said. Anne looked un-phased, I guess this part was normal to her.
Once back in her room, Veronica allowed the waterworks to began. She cried and her body shook. She felt alone again. She felt hopeless.
